I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
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I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
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so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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