i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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