She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
