I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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