Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
