Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
