i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
