How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
