I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
