Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
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I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
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my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
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