The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
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She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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