You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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