Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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