you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i will never coherently bang her
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
