I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You ruined the universe
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
