If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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