My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
