Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
