I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
