Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
