Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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