I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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