so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
