My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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