Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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