I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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