just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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