Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
