My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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