i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
