I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize