the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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