2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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