remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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