before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
