so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
