i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
