How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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