he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I need to sanitize my soul.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
