hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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