I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
