What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
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Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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