I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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