Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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