So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
