I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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