I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
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First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
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Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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