Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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