Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Two words: blizzard sex
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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