I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
