Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
