either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
