Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I lost the right to judge tonight
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
