my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
