I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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