The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
