You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
